Rich vs. Poor

In the adoption world the case is made that any birth family, even very poor families with limited education and resources, make a better home for a child than an adoptive, wealthy, educated family because love and heritage are more important than all that money can buy.

Not denying that there's some truth to this. It's why we believe we should maintain connections with our girls' birth family to whatever extent is healthy for them.

But it's not really true, either. During this shutdown due to the coronavirus I keep looking around at all we can provide for the girls even during times of, literally, societal breakdown.

• Even with schools shut down we can still comfortably feed our children.
• Our education level means we have the kinds of jobs that can be done remotely from home and we won't suffer the loss of paycheck.
• We are wealthy enough to have a disposable income. We comfortably bought an extra month's worth of groceries and purchased unbudgeted extras like art supplies to help the kids cope; we don't live paycheck to paycheck.
• We live a calm, stable lifestyle that can withstand a total upheaval in our daily schedules. No one is panicking or stressed in our home.
• We have a home already stocked with educational toys and screens and subscriptions to quality programs so that staying home from preschool won't impact their learning. 
• We have a big yard, a trampoline, acreage with woods and a pond--the kids have plenty of room to roam safely. They won't be cooped up in an apartment all day.

When compared with the love of a family, it's easy to discount the things a wealthy family can bring as mere "things" without the value of love. But...when considering that child's day to day experiences? Doesn't that child benefit equally well from a calm home, good nutrition, and healthy activities? Is the stressed, hungry and under-engaged child happier because they're with a birth parent, especially when that parent is stressed, addicted, and with no support system?

There is no easy answer here and I'm not pretending this is a clean dichotomy. Of course every human's life is a mix of good and bad. But, I sat outside in the sun today and watched my children jump on the trampoline, knowing they were headed inside to a healthy lunch in a few minutes, knowing they'd hear no fighting from stressed parents today, and thought about what their lives would be like if they were still with their birth mother.

I've seen the pictures of them when they lived with her. I can picture their ratty, dirty hair hacked off in random chunks, falling across their faces so they were perpetually swiping it away from their eyes. I can picture the raw, eczema-roughened patches on their dry cheeks. I can picture the vacant stares as their Koolaid-filled bottle dangles from their mouth, the nipple perpetually clenched in their tiny baby teeth. I know their clothes either slipped off their shoulders or rode up under their armpits--everything either too big or too small for them.

And that was on the best of days. That's how they looked when their mother wanted to take their picture. To celebrate something. Pictures don't exist to record the bad days. I'm told there weren't even clothes on those days. Or food. Or protection.

If they were with their birth mother right now they'd be hungry, dirty, scared, and mentally stuck in a zone just as their cousins, aunts, mother, and grandparents are. Poverty is a dark place that wears on the soul. Poverty in times of societal stress must be devastatingly hopeless.

Our girls aren't hopeless. Our girls are happy, healthy, laughing, bouncing, growing girls learning more each day. And they are deeply loved. Yes, adopted parent love is different than birth parent love, but it is absolutely love all the same. I do not doubt that our home is the safest place for our girls. And in tough times? It's the one time when I can be grateful for their removal and not even feel selfish while I think it.

No, money can't buy you happiness. But it sure can buy you safety.