Letter to the Clerk of the Court

I wrote this letter today to thank the clerk of the court who, I believe, pushed our paperwork through sooner than we might have expected after I wrote her an email detailing how stressed Jane has been about lack of permanency.

Dear Ms. B*, (*all names changed for privacy)

Enclosed please find our adoption announcement. I wanted to share this with you to thank you for your help as Adoption Coordinator for J* Family Court. I am sure you have a very busy job and we appreciate you taking the time to communicate with us during the process.

I thought you might also like to hear how the girls have taken the news that their adoption is finalized. Jane* is 4 and she was clearly more aware of the situation and more distressed by it than her younger sister, Kate*, who is 2, so her reaction was more immediate. 

I got your email just minutes before Jane and I needed to head out to her dance class. I had just enough time to shoot out some quick emails to my husband and our social workers before we left the house. On the drive to her class the reality of it began hitting me and I kept tearing up as I drove. When we got to her class Jane and I did our usual routine of taking off her street shoes and changing into her dance shoes. She sits in a chair and I kneel on the floor in front of her to help wiggle her feet in. When we were done I looked up and saw that Jane was looking at me and noticing my red eyes. I didn’t want her to worry so I scooped her into my arms and whispered in her ear that the judge had signed the papers--she was officially adopted. 

Jane immediately yelled, “I am?!?” with the biggest grin on her face ever! Then she went bounding off to her dance class where, just barely inside the door, she yelled, “I’m DOPTED!!” There was this stunned moment of surprise and then all the girls and teachers began whooping and congratulating her. I should add here that dance class is Jane’s most favorite place on earth. She is in a special class for kids with some physical and cognitive needs and the teachers have created a beautiful, supportive community of older and younger girls who come together for the love of dance. Although I hadn’t planned it out--it was the perfect group for her to tell about her adoption. 

I was sitting in the waiting room smiling at what I was overhearing when I realized other moms in the waiting area had also clued in. They began asking me questions and soon we were all wiping away tears. The thing that meant the most to me was the fact that the moms kept saying, “we had no idea--we thought she was always yours”. I felt such a deep and profound relief that our mother-daughter feelings were now validated with the paperwork we needed to feel secure.

Over the next few days Jane talked about the adoption constantly. Many times Kate was nearby and overheard us talking about “forever family”, etc. 

I should back up here and tell you that although she’s only two and a half and has called me ‘mom’ for almost half her lifetime now Kate was always reluctant to say, “I love you”. I got the feeling when she first came that maybe she’d been forced to say those words to people she didn’t know or like in her early baby days and the phrase had a negative connotation. I have always said, “I love you, goodnight,” as my last words to every child in my home during bedtime so Kate has heard me say this hundreds of times but she’s only reciprocated a few times. Then, after the adoption was finalized and Kate absorbed its meaning from Jane’s reaction, she started playing a new game she invented. It goes like this:

First, Kate comes next to me but turns her back to me. She begins pretending she’s hunting for something while she’s saying, “Mama? Mama? Where are you? Can’t find you!” Then she turns around to see me and exclaims, “There you are! I find you!” Then she crawls up in my arms and gives me a giant hug. And, finally, she looks me in the eyes and whispers, “And I love you.” 

It is, seriously, the sweetest thing I’ve ever experienced and totally undoes me every time. We’ve had to talk about “happy tears” so she wouldn’t get distressed every time she made me cry! 

I knew Jane would have a huge reaction to the adoption. I didn’t have any idea that Kate also felt the stress of their continued foster care status and that she’d be so affected by the adoption finalization. 

I think sometimes the idea of “permanency” becomes a vague legal term disconnected from the lived human experience. I am deeply moved by my daughters’ reactions to learning of their adoption and I wanted to share a bit of that joy with you, also. Thank you for all you do to bring permanency to waiting children.

Thank you,

The Family--all seven of us!