It's still sinking in. We are done with foster care. They are no longer foster children. We all have the same last name. I can introduce "my daughters" without feeling a bit like a fraud or obligated to whisper the caveat over their heads.
We no longer have any social workers in our lives. We no longer have to see the therapist we no longer felt was effective and are free to pursue a better one. We no longer have to go to O.T. (which was super helpful for a time but at this point she'd met all her goals and now the therapist was just killing time to fulfill the doc's prescription).
So much more freedom. The ability to just make good parenting decisions without any bureaucratic hassle.
Freedom from either feeling like a criminal when we skirted rules we felt were silly; or gritting our teeth through meeting a silly rule we couldn't get around. This morning Theo and I left the kids in the care of their 17-year-old brother, Seth, and it was finally legal to do so! Of course we've been leaving him in charge of the kids for a couple hours at a time while we run errands occasionally throughout this past year--but we were breaking the foster care rules every time (because he isn't 18 yet). I hated feeling like a criminal; I hated reminding him not to mention that he sometimes watches them before they'd interview him. But there was also no way I was going to seriously inconvenience myself to follow a silly rule that did nothing to benefit our family. So, we opted for the feel-like-a-criminal route instead.
It is an immense relief to know we'll never have to make those kinds of choices again. Freedom!!
We got the word on Tues, Feb 18th. It is now four days later and I can't help but notice how much more patient I feel with the kids. As my stress is going away; as I look upon these girls with renewed love and joy--the very typical naughty things they do no longer send me over the edge. I can look at them calmly and with the indulgence that is a pre-requisit to patient parenting and see their misdeed as just typical stuff little kids do rather than a scary sign of trauma with BIG consequences in our future. (I mean, no doubting there is trauma there and we'll be dealing with it--but somehow it feels less scary now, as if removing ambiguity about her status also removed wondering about an unknown future.)
Every parent looks on their own kid with humor and indulgence. We think their naughty antics are cute (even those of us who are strict disciplinarians). It's the sign that WE are bonded to THEM. A parent who has lost their sense of humor and cannot delight in one thing the child does is burned out and breaking down their bond. I've been in that place several times during the last 14 months. It feels good to have this reset in the relationship and feel myself enjoying them once again.
We no longer have any social workers in our lives. We no longer have to see the therapist we no longer felt was effective and are free to pursue a better one. We no longer have to go to O.T. (which was super helpful for a time but at this point she'd met all her goals and now the therapist was just killing time to fulfill the doc's prescription).
So much more freedom. The ability to just make good parenting decisions without any bureaucratic hassle.
Freedom from either feeling like a criminal when we skirted rules we felt were silly; or gritting our teeth through meeting a silly rule we couldn't get around. This morning Theo and I left the kids in the care of their 17-year-old brother, Seth, and it was finally legal to do so! Of course we've been leaving him in charge of the kids for a couple hours at a time while we run errands occasionally throughout this past year--but we were breaking the foster care rules every time (because he isn't 18 yet). I hated feeling like a criminal; I hated reminding him not to mention that he sometimes watches them before they'd interview him. But there was also no way I was going to seriously inconvenience myself to follow a silly rule that did nothing to benefit our family. So, we opted for the feel-like-a-criminal route instead.
It is an immense relief to know we'll never have to make those kinds of choices again. Freedom!!
We got the word on Tues, Feb 18th. It is now four days later and I can't help but notice how much more patient I feel with the kids. As my stress is going away; as I look upon these girls with renewed love and joy--the very typical naughty things they do no longer send me over the edge. I can look at them calmly and with the indulgence that is a pre-requisit to patient parenting and see their misdeed as just typical stuff little kids do rather than a scary sign of trauma with BIG consequences in our future. (I mean, no doubting there is trauma there and we'll be dealing with it--but somehow it feels less scary now, as if removing ambiguity about her status also removed wondering about an unknown future.)
Every parent looks on their own kid with humor and indulgence. We think their naughty antics are cute (even those of us who are strict disciplinarians). It's the sign that WE are bonded to THEM. A parent who has lost their sense of humor and cannot delight in one thing the child does is burned out and breaking down their bond. I've been in that place several times during the last 14 months. It feels good to have this reset in the relationship and feel myself enjoying them once again.
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