We are thiiiiiiiissss close

Just got this email from the adoption worker:

"We will be filing both girls’ adoption petitions tomorrow in [ ] County."

Now I just want to sit right here with my cell phone and landline phone and email browser refreshing every thirty seconds until we get the final word. And today at 4:15 there's another social worker meeting at our house. I'm not doing this one. Theo is taking it, per my request, well, demand. I can't even think about them derailing us, again, when we're so close, again.

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I Lied.

For the very first time I lied to a birth family member. I've been brutally honest even when it caused an uproar. I've been honest because I was personally committed to always telling the truth. Until now. Because this lie may actually be the best way to preserve Jane's relationship with her birth family. At our last video call with Grandma Jane seemed uninterested, unengaged, not showing any real emotion. I struggled to find things to prompt her to talk about. Over the next two weeks I waited and she never asked for another call. In the third week I casually brought up the topic and she did not really respond, certainly didn't ask for another call. Finally, yesterday I point blank asked if she wanted to do a video call and she said the word yes but her whole body language said no. It was clear that she was saying yes because she thought she was supposed to, not because she wanted to. So, I took her body language rather than her words and made the decision that we...

Nope, Just Halloween Hades

GRANDMA'S RESPONSE It was fine. Daytime trick or treating at the fairgrounds with Grandma was perfectly fine. She never even asked about school. She never asked about our next get together. In fact, she didn't do much except point out other fun costumes people were wearing. Here's what I forgot: she's the most conflict averse person I've ever met. She doesn't want to talk about any unpleasant topics. She doesn't want to think about anything unhappy. She wants to live in a childish bubble of candy and cartoons. I don't think she even realizes that kids are old enough to be in Kindergarten. I don't think she even thinks about such things. In fact, she didn't truly talk to the kids that much. She was super happy they gave her hugs at the beginning. She liked the fun of the event and escorting kids was a great way to have fun. Really, the kids are just props so she can feel like a fun grandma. She doesn't really want a relationship. She wants p...

Separation for Me

One more note about yesterday. I noticed that when the girls were acting up yesterday I truly was not angry. I felt back in my old EI teacher groove where I could calmly observe and reflect to a student but never feel personally involved in the drama. It felt so nice! The equilibriam I was famous for when teaching but that I've struggled to find in my own home. Being away was so good for me. Thinking other thoughts; being competent around other smart people. Life affirming to me as a human, not just the mother-drone trapped in a small house doing small things repeatedly all day long. I absolutely have to have professional level conversation and interactions to maintain my sanity. Essential.

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