So I've been working with Jane, and the other two kids somewhat, on being mindful of where they play with toys. If they scatter and hide things, oh look, pick up is difficult. Same lesson--several times a day.
Yesterday, after several good days of pickup being easier, I got lax. Here's all the reasons why dealing with this girl with her FAS lack of reasoning, history of trauma leading to overly-emotional responses, and personality that leads to self-victimization is just so damn hard.
1. Yesterday I got down a tub of toys. James got the item (a school bus) that Jane wanted. Jane got the baggie of people. I told them both to play awhile and then switch--standard response I always give when two kids want the same toy. I watched her face and knew she was pissed. I knew I should monitor that baggie of toy people but I got distracted and didn't.
There was no toy pickup last night so we had to do it this morning. Over breakfast I told the kids that I had a special surprise planned as soon as we got toys picked up. Everyone was excited.
2. As we're picking up I realize those people are missing. I task Jane with looking for them. The instant I mention it she gets pissy and emotional and stops cleaning up. She sits in one spot and does her helpless thing where she flops all over the floor as if moving her arms is like lifting a 100 lb weight and cries that she "can't do it". The girl was running all over the house happily picking up toys a second before I mentioned the people.
Now I know she's hidden the people somewhere and either can't remember where or doesn't want to reveal where they are.
3. I tell her that she must find those toys before she can have the special treat. We keep picking up around her. I give her two more reminders. Same floppy/crying response.
(Note: I tell this story as if I'm not emotional but in reality I am too. I am just so damn tired of her behavior. The second she starts in I'm pissed, too. And then tired of being pissed. And then pissed at being tired of constantly being pissed. It's not a pretty sight and what should've been a fun, happy time with the kids excited about their treat turns into me snapping at everyone. Which makes me twice as mad at the one who ruined it. Again)
4. After three warnings I send her to her room. Tell her she can't think when she's crying (it's true) and she needs to stop crying so she can think about where she put the toys.
When the house is done I pull out the hide-a-bed couch bed and throw on a bunch of pillows and blankets so they can make a fort and then put on cartoons. I'm so pissed at Jane, and wanting her to suffer, that I scroll past PBS, as I'd planned to put on, and instead go to the Disney channel. I turn it up so Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (Jane's all time favorite) is blaring so she can hear it from her room. It's petty and stupid but, what the hell.
There's a winter storm coming this weekend so the pulled out couch and cartoon binging is my rare treat I save for these times we'll be holed up together. I'd planned popcorn and a "picnic" lunch in the living room to make it all special but now I'm up here blogging instead.
5. After ten minutes the other two are happily watching cartoons but I can hear her upstairs still crying. I go up and ask if she wants to sit and cry or find her toys. Takes repeating it three times for her to comprehend what I'm saying. She keeps giving nonsense answers that show she hasn't processed any words I'm saying. Trying my patience to the limit. She finally gets what I'm saying and says she wants to find the toys. I task her with looking in her room "for real" not sitting there floppy and whining. She acknowledges she didn't look "for real" before. So that's some progress. Getting her to speak honestly about her behavior is rare.
She looks in her room for another 10 minutes. When I check back I can tell she truly did look. She's stopped crying and is speaking rationally. We talk and I try to get her to think back through what her actions were yesterday after getting the toys. We can talk a bit but then she'll start to get emotional again. I keep stopping her and telling her that she can't think straight while crying so she has to choose: cry or think. Three repetitions at least and finally she stays calm and talks through her movements yesterday.
6. We go downstairs to look in the living room. On the way down I tell her that she hasn't yet earned the chance to watch cartoons so if she looks at the TV even once she'll go back to her room. She's very obedient and covers her face with her hands if she gets close to the TV.
Ironically, these moments of extreme compliance leave me conflicted. Sometimes I'm glad she can show such a willingness to comply. Then I'm angry that she's so useless and non-compliant at other times. Nothing this girl does is easy for me. I mean, she's only 4, I keep telling myself, give her a break and quit reading something into everything. But I do read every single one of her actions as manipulation. I don't have any clue who the authentic child really is.
First she looks under the one couch. She says she can't see because it's dark. I walk her through problem-solving. She asks for a flashlight. On my way to get the flashlight I pass the toy kitchen where she has stashed toys many, many times before. I assume she must've looked there before--it's the first place she always looks--so I ask, "did you look in the kitchen?"
On my way back with the flashlight I call her to me to use the flashlight to look under a bench in the dining room. She does so; no toys. On the way back to the living room to look under the couch with the flashlight she announces, "but first I have to use the flashlight to look in the kitchen because it's dark in there."
No, it's not. It's not too dark inside the little toy kitchen. But, whatever, I say nothing as she opens the door and shines the flashlight directly on the three little toy people obviously sitting right there on the shelf.
7. I'm instantly sooooo pissed. a) did she know they were there all along and was this all a game? b) why didn't she say she'd found them when she looked in the kitchen as I was getting the flashlight (I heard the door open/close so I know she saw them before I even had the flashlight). c) why is everything a game full of lies and manipulation? d) or is she just too stupid to do anything in a way that would make sense? e) what does this behavior get her?
I just stand there looking at her and I'm too angry to speak. All the above is rolling through my mind and I feel like I will never, ever understand this child and never, ever trust or like her.
I am just trying to teach her the most basic of all skills: pick up your toys! It doesn't get any more basic, elemental, and appropriate for a 4 yr old!
Is she incompetent because she has poor reasoning skills due to brain damage from FAS? Is she so traumatized that any emotion sends her spiraling out of control? Is she so convinced that she's a victim that she forces herself into that role again and again by manipulating me until I'm angry at her?
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And it really doesn't matter does it. No matter the root cause the result is the same. She makes life harder than it has to be and I'm tired and pissed about that.
8. After she found the toys I did not trust myself to speak to her so I silently took the toys, then waved my hand at the couch and told her to go sit. I put the toys away, did some stuff in the kitchen and came back to the living room to see her sitting on a recliner with her hands covering her face because she thinks she still cannot watch the cartoon.
Seriously. After the task she needed to accomplish before she could watch TV is done and I've told her to go sit on the couch, she thinks I told her to go sit facing the TV but not watch the cartoons, still. She cannot connect the fact that she wasn't allowed to watch the cartoons BEFORE when she was looking for the toys but NOW that the toys are found and I TOLD her to go join the other kids, then, yes, she IS allowed to watch cartoons.
I told her to take her hands down. And tried for a second to lead her through thinking why she was allowed to watch the cartoons but her face was as blank as a cow chewing cud. Too many emotions, too difficult of a day, nothing was going to be processed. I give up. I can't deal with that much stupid after that much drama.
Yesterday, after several good days of pickup being easier, I got lax. Here's all the reasons why dealing with this girl with her FAS lack of reasoning, history of trauma leading to overly-emotional responses, and personality that leads to self-victimization is just so damn hard.
1. Yesterday I got down a tub of toys. James got the item (a school bus) that Jane wanted. Jane got the baggie of people. I told them both to play awhile and then switch--standard response I always give when two kids want the same toy. I watched her face and knew she was pissed. I knew I should monitor that baggie of toy people but I got distracted and didn't.
There was no toy pickup last night so we had to do it this morning. Over breakfast I told the kids that I had a special surprise planned as soon as we got toys picked up. Everyone was excited.
2. As we're picking up I realize those people are missing. I task Jane with looking for them. The instant I mention it she gets pissy and emotional and stops cleaning up. She sits in one spot and does her helpless thing where she flops all over the floor as if moving her arms is like lifting a 100 lb weight and cries that she "can't do it". The girl was running all over the house happily picking up toys a second before I mentioned the people.
Now I know she's hidden the people somewhere and either can't remember where or doesn't want to reveal where they are.
3. I tell her that she must find those toys before she can have the special treat. We keep picking up around her. I give her two more reminders. Same floppy/crying response.
(Note: I tell this story as if I'm not emotional but in reality I am too. I am just so damn tired of her behavior. The second she starts in I'm pissed, too. And then tired of being pissed. And then pissed at being tired of constantly being pissed. It's not a pretty sight and what should've been a fun, happy time with the kids excited about their treat turns into me snapping at everyone. Which makes me twice as mad at the one who ruined it. Again)
4. After three warnings I send her to her room. Tell her she can't think when she's crying (it's true) and she needs to stop crying so she can think about where she put the toys.
When the house is done I pull out the hide-a-bed couch bed and throw on a bunch of pillows and blankets so they can make a fort and then put on cartoons. I'm so pissed at Jane, and wanting her to suffer, that I scroll past PBS, as I'd planned to put on, and instead go to the Disney channel. I turn it up so Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (Jane's all time favorite) is blaring so she can hear it from her room. It's petty and stupid but, what the hell.
There's a winter storm coming this weekend so the pulled out couch and cartoon binging is my rare treat I save for these times we'll be holed up together. I'd planned popcorn and a "picnic" lunch in the living room to make it all special but now I'm up here blogging instead.
5. After ten minutes the other two are happily watching cartoons but I can hear her upstairs still crying. I go up and ask if she wants to sit and cry or find her toys. Takes repeating it three times for her to comprehend what I'm saying. She keeps giving nonsense answers that show she hasn't processed any words I'm saying. Trying my patience to the limit. She finally gets what I'm saying and says she wants to find the toys. I task her with looking in her room "for real" not sitting there floppy and whining. She acknowledges she didn't look "for real" before. So that's some progress. Getting her to speak honestly about her behavior is rare.
She looks in her room for another 10 minutes. When I check back I can tell she truly did look. She's stopped crying and is speaking rationally. We talk and I try to get her to think back through what her actions were yesterday after getting the toys. We can talk a bit but then she'll start to get emotional again. I keep stopping her and telling her that she can't think straight while crying so she has to choose: cry or think. Three repetitions at least and finally she stays calm and talks through her movements yesterday.
6. We go downstairs to look in the living room. On the way down I tell her that she hasn't yet earned the chance to watch cartoons so if she looks at the TV even once she'll go back to her room. She's very obedient and covers her face with her hands if she gets close to the TV.
Ironically, these moments of extreme compliance leave me conflicted. Sometimes I'm glad she can show such a willingness to comply. Then I'm angry that she's so useless and non-compliant at other times. Nothing this girl does is easy for me. I mean, she's only 4, I keep telling myself, give her a break and quit reading something into everything. But I do read every single one of her actions as manipulation. I don't have any clue who the authentic child really is.
First she looks under the one couch. She says she can't see because it's dark. I walk her through problem-solving. She asks for a flashlight. On my way to get the flashlight I pass the toy kitchen where she has stashed toys many, many times before. I assume she must've looked there before--it's the first place she always looks--so I ask, "did you look in the kitchen?"
On my way back with the flashlight I call her to me to use the flashlight to look under a bench in the dining room. She does so; no toys. On the way back to the living room to look under the couch with the flashlight she announces, "but first I have to use the flashlight to look in the kitchen because it's dark in there."
No, it's not. It's not too dark inside the little toy kitchen. But, whatever, I say nothing as she opens the door and shines the flashlight directly on the three little toy people obviously sitting right there on the shelf.
7. I'm instantly sooooo pissed. a) did she know they were there all along and was this all a game? b) why didn't she say she'd found them when she looked in the kitchen as I was getting the flashlight (I heard the door open/close so I know she saw them before I even had the flashlight). c) why is everything a game full of lies and manipulation? d) or is she just too stupid to do anything in a way that would make sense? e) what does this behavior get her?
I just stand there looking at her and I'm too angry to speak. All the above is rolling through my mind and I feel like I will never, ever understand this child and never, ever trust or like her.
I am just trying to teach her the most basic of all skills: pick up your toys! It doesn't get any more basic, elemental, and appropriate for a 4 yr old!
Is she incompetent because she has poor reasoning skills due to brain damage from FAS? Is she so traumatized that any emotion sends her spiraling out of control? Is she so convinced that she's a victim that she forces herself into that role again and again by manipulating me until I'm angry at her?
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And it really doesn't matter does it. No matter the root cause the result is the same. She makes life harder than it has to be and I'm tired and pissed about that.
8. After she found the toys I did not trust myself to speak to her so I silently took the toys, then waved my hand at the couch and told her to go sit. I put the toys away, did some stuff in the kitchen and came back to the living room to see her sitting on a recliner with her hands covering her face because she thinks she still cannot watch the cartoon.
Seriously. After the task she needed to accomplish before she could watch TV is done and I've told her to go sit on the couch, she thinks I told her to go sit facing the TV but not watch the cartoons, still. She cannot connect the fact that she wasn't allowed to watch the cartoons BEFORE when she was looking for the toys but NOW that the toys are found and I TOLD her to go join the other kids, then, yes, she IS allowed to watch cartoons.
I told her to take her hands down. And tried for a second to lead her through thinking why she was allowed to watch the cartoons but her face was as blank as a cow chewing cud. Too many emotions, too difficult of a day, nothing was going to be processed. I give up. I can't deal with that much stupid after that much drama.
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