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Why I Can't Adopt

I need to just write this out here so I can revisit it and see if things change.

1. Her therapist and I both believe we see signs of a mental illness, or a significant neurological disruption characterized by seizures and personality changes, at age 3 yrs, 7 months.

2. We cannot "out-parent" a mental/neurological disorder. Even the best parents with the best strategies cannot undo brain chemistry.

3. I cannot dishonor the stories of parents who have gone before us, suffered greatly but then been brave enough to share their stories, by turning a blind eye and wishing it all away.

4. At the pace set by our adoption social worker we'd be finalizing the adoption 11 months after first meeting the girls. That's really, really fast. Given how young they are and how rapidly kids this age can change, we cannot say that we fully know them and know their needs at this point.

5. I don't know if we'll ever really know Jane. There's something missing. Some aspect of her humanity just isn't fully there. She's a charicature of what she thinks a 3 yr old girl should be. Maybe the cause is trauma and she'll learn to trust and become vulnerable as she heals.



(#5 explained -- what is so disturbing about this is that kids this age should be the most authentic, genuine little humans you meet. They say the embarrassing things. They love and hate fiercely. They play and sleep and dislike their vegetables with their whole beings. Jane is too perfect.

And too imitative. The second James or Kate does something new and cute that gets our attention, she copies it. And then it isn't cute anymore. Cute turns annoying in a split second and then a fun moment with the others is ruined as I'm stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place: do I try to explain why copying others is annoying to everyone or do I ignore it in order to not give attention to her negative behaviors?

I've watched her with her grandma and aunt in hopes that I can catch a glimpse of the real Jane. But that Jane is a total brat. I dislike that Jane even more than the fake one. She's whiny and demanding and rude and...I think...deeply angry at their inability to keep her safe but unable to express it.

Last night we were having a sweet moment at the end of the day. Just she and I in a rocking chair talking. She seemed as vulnerable and honest as I've ever seen her so I asked her if she could choose between living in her mom's house or our house which would she choose. Instantly the big, fake smile and saying she'd choose our house. I just felt sad. It ruined a genuine moment we were having. I wish she could've felt safe enough with me to admit that she misses her mom and her old house. Or, if she really does prefer living here then I'm sad she has no connection to her bio mom and can walk away so easily. There was no good response to that question--I was looking to open a door and instead she slammed it back shut.)
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