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The Stare-Master

When my husband was in college there was a weird guy on the floor who would sit in the common room and stare at people. He wasn't reading a book or doing homework, or even pretending to, he just sat there and watched other people's social lives with a full-on, unblinking stare. It was creepy. But then he was a sociology major so maybe it was all a big experiment. They nicknamed him "The Stairmaster" as in, stare-master.

There is something positively annoying about being stared at. 

And there is something deeply frustrating about not being able to explain why it's annoying to a young child. It feels ridiculously petty to say, "Stop looking at me!"

I am, for at least the fourth time, relaunching a potty training effort for James. At 3.5 he is way past due. He's dry for long periods of time and obviously able to physically control his body...but until now he's lacked the vocabulary and comprehension skills to understand what was required. All my boys are late talkers and he's right on pace with the older two. I'm not worried. Once they have the language they potty train quickly.

Kate began potty training at 22 months of her own volition. She observes everything and saw Jane getting praised for going potty and started asking to sit on the potty. If I prompt her every hour she will successfully stay dry all day. But, I still put a diaper on her when we leave the house because she can't hold it long enough to find a public restroom.

Since Kate still has frequent accidents if I'm not around to prompt her, I'd like to extend her awareness of her body and help her become able to give more of a warning than..."I'm peeing right now!"

So, last night I took Kate to the store for her special day. (I try to give each kid some 1:1 time every evening. Not always possible, but a good goal.) I let her pick out all the usual kiddie trinkets that toddlers love. We also got new hairbands, hair clips, socks, and a coloring book for Jane.

When we got home I got out two boxes. Into one of them I put Jane's special items as well as a small container of candy. Into the other I put the trinkets and some stickers and another small container of candy (M&Ms and gummy bears).

This morning I made two charts: one for James and one for Kate. Every time they sit on the potty they get to put a sticker on it. At the 3rd sticker they get to choose either a piece of candy or a trinket. It's going very well for James and Kate.

It's going miserably for Jane. I prompted her to sit at the table and open her special box and choose an activity just before I started the other two on the potty. Instead she sat there and stared at us. STAAAAARRRED.  And stared and stared and stared. Unblinking. All during the getting onto the potties, the starting of the timer, the reading of the books, the ending of the timer, the putting on of stickers, the pulling up of pants. Stared and stared and stared.

Pouting in epic proportions. Absolutely green with envy. She was Hera come to life.

I wanted to slap her. What child sits right next to a toy box full of items she adored last night and woke up talking about this morning...but then ignores it for her obsession with watching others get attention?

And she did it TWICE! After the first episode I asked her what was wrong. In the most pouty, whiny, teary whisper she said she couldn't open the box. I know this isn't true. I told her she could and it was her job to be strong and smart and figure out how to open it for herself. I am not about to indulge her fake helplessness.

So, an hour later it's time for another potty session, I prompt her to open her box while we're busy, get the other two on the potty chairs, look over and there she is STARING again. It was like looking into the face of jealousy. Once again she didn't even touch her box.

At the start of the third session I gave her the choice of either opening her box or going to play with toys elsewhere but she could not sit and watch. She chose toys...but went just barely out of sight and sat silently where she could eavesdrop. And this was what she then did all day long.

Again, what child ignore a special box of toys just for her in order to sit by herself and eavesdrop?!?!

 I know these are signs of trauma. I've been to the trauma-informed parenting workshops and read the books. I get it. I'm also human and deeply annoyed by our own personal Stairmaster.

She never touched her box all day long. It sat on the table in front of her plate for every meal and snack and she never even looked at it. Last night she was positively giddy about the contents, enthusing endlessly about how she'd use them. Today she utterly rejected what had become, in her mind, a symbol of missing out.

She simply could not make the choice to be content that others were getting attention and happily entertain herself. I think it's the saddest thing I've ever seen a child do. 

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