A week ago Ken* invited us to come to a Thanksgiving dinner at his house, along with some of the girl's extended family, so the girls could see people they haven't seen in a long time. In discussing the guest list I reminded him that the girls' mother and half-brother were not to be invited.
I just got this angry message from Mike, the girls' biological maternal grandfather.
Here's the relevant details about this message.
First, the people. Ken is the girls' maternal grandmother's ex-boyfriend. Got that? Let's try again. Laura and Mike are the maternal grandparents. Laura and Mike had four children and then divorced. Two of their children are Leah and Nikki, twin girls. Leah had three kids: Cameron, Jane and Kate. Nikki had two kids: Gabby and Elizabeth.
Laura dated Ken in the years when Nikki gave birth to Gabby and Leah gave birth to Jane and for a few years after. Both Nikki and Leah would regularly let Gabby and Jane stay at his house. For the last year before Jane and Kate came to live with us, the three girls, ages 5, 3, and 1, were staying at his house every single weekend from Fri thru Sun. They all call him, "Papa Ken" and see him as their only grandfather. There is no dispute that Ken is the most stable of all the people involved. He told me he took them because he knew those weekends were the only time the girls were fed and cared for regularly.
Regardless of the fact that he seems like a nice enough guy, is a school bus driver so he must have undergone background checks, and has been invited to each girls' birthday party by us and seemed appropriate during the parties, I still just find it odd that both Leah and Nikki would hand over their girls to spend nights with an unrelated male. Furthermore, I find it odd that Ken doesn't find this odd. I have very mixed feelings about continuing to have contact with him but we do want to maintain contact with their original family.
Mike was given custody of Leah's son, Cameron, when he was about six, several years before Jane was born. I think he's about 13 now. Leah gave him to her father for reasons no one will explain but I'm assuming were due to her drug use.
I met both Mike and Nikki at the courthouse during the trial to terminate parental rights. Both struck me as...struggling in life.
Second, let's unpack what he's saying.
1. I'd already told him back in September why Cameron wasn't invited to be around the girls--they cried and told me stories of him hurting them.
2. We were regularly communicating until he claimed he "couldn't see my message" about dis-inviting Cameron even tho he'd gotten all previous messages. Yes, I did stop communicating after his final message saying it was "for the best" that he didn't come to Jane's birthday party because he didn't trust himself "not to start a fight" with the paternal family members (he blames only their bio father, Steve, and not his own daughter, Leah).
3. He was informed as soon as Leah lost custody of the girls. He either did not ask to take them--even tho he already had custody of one of Leah's kids--or he did ask and CPS did not deem him a safe place for them. Either way, his chance to get them was a year ago, not now.
4. No, they didn't come into our "possession". They were placed with us because not one single member of the girls' family was seen to be fit to take them. I wish, for their sake, that you could've taken them! I wish, for their sake, that you could've been as stable and willing to travel to meet us as Jackie, their paternal grandmother, whom we've seen every two weeks without fail since last February. We never cut you out of their lives. You've been invited to two birthday parties now and not shown up to either.
And where were you, Mike, in the years when Ken was keeping your grandchildren every weekend? Why do the girls have no memories of you? Why don't they recognize you when I show them a picture? They sure do know Ken. Don't you dare yell at me now when you've never meaningfully shown up in their lives at any time before when these vulnerable girls needed you.
5. I hear your pain. Yes, this system is broken. I wish Leah could've pulled herself together and regained custody. I wish all the mistakes that were made in her life and yours and your parents before you in the deep, systemic ways that break people and lead to the kind of situation we're in today were somehow remedied and no more children would be removed from their families of origin ever again.
But, meanwhile, here we are. And the best thing I can do for your grandchildren is provide them with the kind of safe, stable, loving, nurturing home you could not. And so I will not apologize to you when this role that I am in forces me to choose to exclude you. I choose them. I choose their emotional stability over your need to play grandpa once a year. Without apology.
Because here's the honest truth. Not having you in their life is better than having you in their life. I've met you and communicated with you and you have nothing of worth to offer them. That's the cold, brutal truth. I truly do understand that that realization hurts. But guess what, your granddaughters are hurting far more.
*All names are pseudonyms to protect privacy.
I just got this angry message from Mike, the girls' biological maternal grandfather.
"I just talked to Ken he said he was working on letting the girls come down to the house so the family could see them. he informed me that you would not allow Cameron to be around the girls?????? What was the reason behind this?? Ever since those girls came into your possession we have been cut out of their lives. I don't know who makes these decisions you or did the judge you won't write me back to let me know what's going on with them I'm just going to have to go back up to the judge I guess to CPS won't get ahold of me either what a corrupt system"
Here's the relevant details about this message.
First, the people. Ken is the girls' maternal grandmother's ex-boyfriend. Got that? Let's try again. Laura and Mike are the maternal grandparents. Laura and Mike had four children and then divorced. Two of their children are Leah and Nikki, twin girls. Leah had three kids: Cameron, Jane and Kate. Nikki had two kids: Gabby and Elizabeth.
Laura dated Ken in the years when Nikki gave birth to Gabby and Leah gave birth to Jane and for a few years after. Both Nikki and Leah would regularly let Gabby and Jane stay at his house. For the last year before Jane and Kate came to live with us, the three girls, ages 5, 3, and 1, were staying at his house every single weekend from Fri thru Sun. They all call him, "Papa Ken" and see him as their only grandfather. There is no dispute that Ken is the most stable of all the people involved. He told me he took them because he knew those weekends were the only time the girls were fed and cared for regularly.
Regardless of the fact that he seems like a nice enough guy, is a school bus driver so he must have undergone background checks, and has been invited to each girls' birthday party by us and seemed appropriate during the parties, I still just find it odd that both Leah and Nikki would hand over their girls to spend nights with an unrelated male. Furthermore, I find it odd that Ken doesn't find this odd. I have very mixed feelings about continuing to have contact with him but we do want to maintain contact with their original family.
Mike was given custody of Leah's son, Cameron, when he was about six, several years before Jane was born. I think he's about 13 now. Leah gave him to her father for reasons no one will explain but I'm assuming were due to her drug use.
I met both Mike and Nikki at the courthouse during the trial to terminate parental rights. Both struck me as...struggling in life.
Second, let's unpack what he's saying.
1. I'd already told him back in September why Cameron wasn't invited to be around the girls--they cried and told me stories of him hurting them.
2. We were regularly communicating until he claimed he "couldn't see my message" about dis-inviting Cameron even tho he'd gotten all previous messages. Yes, I did stop communicating after his final message saying it was "for the best" that he didn't come to Jane's birthday party because he didn't trust himself "not to start a fight" with the paternal family members (he blames only their bio father, Steve, and not his own daughter, Leah).
3. He was informed as soon as Leah lost custody of the girls. He either did not ask to take them--even tho he already had custody of one of Leah's kids--or he did ask and CPS did not deem him a safe place for them. Either way, his chance to get them was a year ago, not now.
4. No, they didn't come into our "possession". They were placed with us because not one single member of the girls' family was seen to be fit to take them. I wish, for their sake, that you could've taken them! I wish, for their sake, that you could've been as stable and willing to travel to meet us as Jackie, their paternal grandmother, whom we've seen every two weeks without fail since last February. We never cut you out of their lives. You've been invited to two birthday parties now and not shown up to either.
And where were you, Mike, in the years when Ken was keeping your grandchildren every weekend? Why do the girls have no memories of you? Why don't they recognize you when I show them a picture? They sure do know Ken. Don't you dare yell at me now when you've never meaningfully shown up in their lives at any time before when these vulnerable girls needed you.
5. I hear your pain. Yes, this system is broken. I wish Leah could've pulled herself together and regained custody. I wish all the mistakes that were made in her life and yours and your parents before you in the deep, systemic ways that break people and lead to the kind of situation we're in today were somehow remedied and no more children would be removed from their families of origin ever again.
But, meanwhile, here we are. And the best thing I can do for your grandchildren is provide them with the kind of safe, stable, loving, nurturing home you could not. And so I will not apologize to you when this role that I am in forces me to choose to exclude you. I choose them. I choose their emotional stability over your need to play grandpa once a year. Without apology.
Because here's the honest truth. Not having you in their life is better than having you in their life. I've met you and communicated with you and you have nothing of worth to offer them. That's the cold, brutal truth. I truly do understand that that realization hurts. But guess what, your granddaughters are hurting far more.
*All names are pseudonyms to protect privacy.
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