Foster Further

 When I'm deeply frustrated with our daughters' birth family I go in search of blogs about adoption. I'm looking for that perfect blog that tells me the whole story over years and years. The blog that reveals how it all turned out in the end. That honest blog that is honest about how difficult and frustrating these relationships are and then reveals how every decision the adoptive family made turned out in the end.  It makes me feel panicky to be in the middle of this story. I want to know the end. I desperately want to flip to the last page and skim it to find out--everyone still okay? alive? whole? healthy?  But, since it isn't an option to flip to the end of my life story, I keep browsing adoption blogs hoping someone else out there has told their story. I haven't found what I'm looking for, yet. Either adoption blogs are written from the adopter's perspective and they start out hyper idyllic and then quickly fade away, or, the blog is from the perspectiv...

 Today, I got this email after birth grandma received a photo book I made of pictures taken over the last year. The book is made up of 2-3 of the best pictures from every month for the previous year. I spent some time adding captions, etc. I sent a copy of the book to both the grandma and the aunt who we are in contact with.  " hello just getting ready to walk into work I went through the pictures of my beautiful gift I got from the girls couple times today. I want you to know tears not all of sadness I am happy that the girls are finally safe and in a good family. I miss them every single day. But I see the glow in their eyes now you brought that back to them girls. All of you have. And I couldn't ask for more. As I go through these pictures I see how much they've grown. they shine now. I mean that they are healthy and happy. And their beautiful little girls. they came so far and it's all because of you guys. I appreciate you guys very much. And I thank God everyday. ...

 I had the strangest experience today. In the hundreds of thousands of hours I've spent mulling over foster-adoptive relationships for the past two years, this was a novel thought that had never occurred to me before. We were in the car driving home after I'd picked up the three littlest ones from school. James did something small that did not annoy me one iota today, but which I distinctly remember made me extremely angry a few months ago. Like, lose-my-shit kind of angry. The kind of anger that, even in the moment, you're thinking: whoa, what the hell is THIS?  I remember yelling. I remember his face. I remember feeling terrible. The worst self-loathing that boils in my gut for hours. I also remember that it was one of the last time I got that angry. I can see now, reflecting on the changes over the past few months, that I was finally starting to come out of wherever I've been for the past two years. Why? Why was I so irrationally angry about a tiny typical little kid...

 Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted. I hadn't realized it's been so long. This time the gap is a good thing. Not too many frustrating things I need to write about to put them out of my mind.  It's cold out so Jane is back into doing a half hour sensory path I made for her in the house every day now. (When it's warm I feel the trampoline and outside play accomplish the same sensory inputs.) I'm trying to teach her much more precision now that she's 5, especially with her cross-body work which is where she really struggles. She has very little awareness of where her body is in space, has difficulty processing verbal commands, etc. So, teaching her just to do one single toe touch was a 30 minute process the first time and often needs updates.  But, she won't benefit from doing the exercise wrong so I try to pick one of her 9 different cross body actions every few days and monitor it.  Lately she's been working on crawling up the stairs. Ye...